Once upon a time,
In a land over crowed and plagued with carriage accidents, illness and arrogance, there lived a sad princess. She was from a time that had too many princesses and not enough knights or good deeds to go around, so she put her faith in her courtiers/peers and her pets.
The pets proved to be the most loyal and true.
One day the princess was watching over her court, noticed them compromise everything they believed in so they could remain in Neverland. The princess could be amused by the games of Neverland, but she did not want to build an empire there, nor really even build an empire at all.
All she just wanted was to surround herself with people who lived by truth, kindness and the pursuit of a better inner self.
So one day the princess decided to go to her most loyal of knights with her accumulated treasure and the 2 souls closest to her. Her court was shocked, but only one voiced any concern and with very little fan fare she left the home she had always known.
As time goes by....
the Princess realizes that this new environment is not as healthy for her as she would have liked so leaving the knight at the post he had chosen, the princess sets off on a quest to find her place in this world.
At the foot of some mountains she found her oasis, her home.
It was a place renowned for healing. The princess had always had delicate health and the older the princess got the sicker she had become.
In this new home she looked in the mirror and all her self doubt, all the grief from losing her court, melted away with the spring thaw and she began to live again.
Very slowly at first. She wanted peers and sages in her life not followers.
She wanted to become better tenant of the land. So she worked as hard as her physical conditions would allow her to and started a quest for a partner in all.
The first one proved too selfish, the second one too immature, the third ...well lets call that one Satan in a Sunday hat and look away quickly, the fourth, no more then a temporary fix to a much grater loss...
But the princess had found a new meeting place where not only did she find kindness and respect, she found people she could learn so much from. Be inspired by and have her soul reach a new period of growth.
This meeting was just in time.
Of the 2 souls that had been on her journey with her one began to grow very ill. She suffered in silence most of the time and it took the princess a while to figure out something was really very wrong. All the healers said it is this, it is that, she does not have this, lets treat this with that, well she may have this but we did not find it. Finally a women of healing , looked until she found the problems and it became you have this time left and there is nothing anyone can do, accept end the pain when the time comes. This news was like an earthquake. How would the princess live with out her most loyal guardian? Her best friend, her everything.
Since the princess left the land of her birth, really those two souls and the desire to make them happy had guided most of the princess days. The princess had done everything she could to prevent this illness from ever happening...but it still happened and was savage.
At this same time number 3, decided to
put the Princess though some tests she could not pass, so she would fail and he could blame her for all his inner chaos. The princess saw through that game and yet still in tears walked away. Number 3, never tried to stop her... Nor was he there on her worst day... Number 4 was good then for a while, but something somewhere changed for number 4 and I think the princess new that was not a happily ever after situation in the first place and let it go.
The Princess looked to her wise man who taught by example rather then by words.
When
the time came, and the light grew dim in her most loyal's eyes, she
made the hard choice. The princess held her in her arms and felt her
dear one's last heartbeat.
Something broke in the princess for a while.
Life was down to one soul. It was a tiny but mighty one... That soul keep her tied to this world along with all the support the princess had from the new community she belonged too.
Really there was a beauty in that support that is worth tears of joy.
One day when the King and Queen of the princess's line came up for a visit. A new soul to accompany the princess on her life journey had been detected.
When they all arrived at the sanctuary, the soul they had intended to see had not arrived yet
and the princess wondering around the sanctuary stopped at the feet of some of the new souls. One immediately hugged her and pledged himself even though he was a babe.
This soul touched her soul, and the princess began to feel something other then pain.
The King and Queen saw this and took action. Papers where filled out, donations made, and the princess left the sanctuary with her new baby guardian in her arms. They stared at each other in a very mutual pure love.
The new guardian to be, had known suffering in his short life. He had been gravely wounded and suffered disease. No scar, nor crooked nose or missing ear piece could lesson the princess's love for this new soul. In fact I think it made her love him even more.
It was now time for the princess to go back on her quest to find a partner....
Monday, December 15, 2014
Monday, December 1, 2014
Moving at the Speed of Dog Part 2 or A New Chaper of Love.
On November 21, I went to Adirondack-Save-A-Stray. I had spotted puppies coming up from the South that where a good mix of breeds. So my parents and I set out and where there as soon as the shelter opened. The puppies we had come to see had not arrived yet so I went to look at some bulldog puppies they did have, just for fun. When I got to the back there was a baby Lab mix too, I bent down to say Hi, and this little fella put his arms around me and kissed me like I was his long lost mom. He chose me. *sonic boom* Love. Instant. I cried.
My mom said she felt like she just witnessed a miracle.
My father said he thought I was never going to smile again, the veil of grief just lifted from me and you could see the joy radiate.
Colin became Balin and was in my dads car an hour later snuggled on my lap with his head on my chest just staring at me. By the time we got home from the stores getting supplies and some toys, I think both mom and dad where in love too.
Balin has a terrible scar from the side of his mouth down his chest and notch out of his ear, also my little prince has very crooked nose, all of this was pointed out to me. My mom asked the women "Do you think any of that is a deterrent to her? You just sealed the deal".
I happen to think he is the most handsome little boy puppy around.
Later that night I was looking though all his paperwork and I found out he was from GA, & the town one of my good friends lives in. J.S. knows the people at the shelter.
So I got his background tale of woe.
He was found on the side of the road, covered with Mange and dead tissue. It is suspected he was hit by a car and or attacked by an animal. A Saint of a women took him to the vet and I beleive after that, she was his foster mom. They thought he would die of Mange or the infected wound. She saved him and he saved me.
It is a week and a few days later and all of us are sick. He brought with him Kennel Cough and gave it to Butter Cup. I have yet another ear infection. So Butter Cup and I will work hard at getting better and surviving his puppy hood with all of our parts intact. (what a chewer).
I think he could be a McNab Herding Dog and/or a Lab mix, he has a stripe of wavy hair straight down his back too the tip of his tail. White whiskers on one side black on the other.
Balin is brilliant. He is almost completely potty trained, he learned to play fetch in a few throws and he is trying to heard his little, Big Sister whenever they are outside. He is going to be a lot of work, but I think he will be worth it.
So my friends, if you need any herding done give me a call... or if you want an hour of puppy crack play time, I will pencil you in.
:-)
This blog has been brought to you by St. Francis, St.Jude and the Powers that Be.
My mom said she felt like she just witnessed a miracle.
My father said he thought I was never going to smile again, the veil of grief just lifted from me and you could see the joy radiate.
Colin became Balin and was in my dads car an hour later snuggled on my lap with his head on my chest just staring at me. By the time we got home from the stores getting supplies and some toys, I think both mom and dad where in love too.
Balin has a terrible scar from the side of his mouth down his chest and notch out of his ear, also my little prince has very crooked nose, all of this was pointed out to me. My mom asked the women "Do you think any of that is a deterrent to her? You just sealed the deal".
I happen to think he is the most handsome little boy puppy around.
Later that night I was looking though all his paperwork and I found out he was from GA, & the town one of my good friends lives in. J.S. knows the people at the shelter.
So I got his background tale of woe.
He was found on the side of the road, covered with Mange and dead tissue. It is suspected he was hit by a car and or attacked by an animal. A Saint of a women took him to the vet and I beleive after that, she was his foster mom. They thought he would die of Mange or the infected wound. She saved him and he saved me.
It is a week and a few days later and all of us are sick. He brought with him Kennel Cough and gave it to Butter Cup. I have yet another ear infection. So Butter Cup and I will work hard at getting better and surviving his puppy hood with all of our parts intact. (what a chewer).
I think he could be a McNab Herding Dog and/or a Lab mix, he has a stripe of wavy hair straight down his back too the tip of his tail. White whiskers on one side black on the other.
Balin is brilliant. He is almost completely potty trained, he learned to play fetch in a few throws and he is trying to heard his little, Big Sister whenever they are outside. He is going to be a lot of work, but I think he will be worth it.
So my friends, if you need any herding done give me a call... or if you want an hour of puppy crack play time, I will pencil you in.
:-)
This blog has been brought to you by St. Francis, St.Jude and the Powers that Be.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
I have loved you more then the flowers have loved the sun.
November 8th, 2014
My Bella has been gone since October 17.
It is real now,
Not only soft tears that just leak out but the deep guttural wrenching sobs that make you wonder if you have hemorrhaged and are crying blood.
Picking up her ashes was the most violent pain, it had me dry heaving outside of the doctors office. There could be no more denial that what was left of my great love was now in my hands.
Infinity did a nice job. Her paw print fits nicely between my praying hands. Her cremains in a tin with flowers and a dragonfly sits on its own black heart pillow on my bed.
(I am aware that freaks some people out. I dont care, I miss her and night is the worst).
Infinity also filled the black heart pendant I was given with some of Bella's cremains.
That I dont think I could have done on my own.
I have worn the heart every day. She is closer to me then. I hold on to it as I am trying to keep my shit together in public.
Not to many people get to spend the time with there pets as I do. For Bella's life I have been home with her. In 8 years I don't think we have been separated more then 14 days. So her physical presence not being there is profound. At the end of the day I chose her over my old life and never regretted that choice.
When I do my chores around the house I go to sing the silly little songs I have made up for the dogs and when I get to the 2 is Better then 1 song... well there is only one.
Butter Cup is trying to keep tied to this world. She is mighty beyond her size but she is not my Bella McSmoochie. She can not keep me "safe" as much as she would try. She is not as good with the nightmares or anxiety. She does come running though when those awful sobbing fits come on. I tell her because I am so upset about Bella it does not mean I love her any less. I can see people sneer that they dont understand what we are saying. Well maybe they dont understand you, but I am the freaking dog whisper and they understand almost every damn word I say. Any one who has spent time with my pack and I would swear to it.
I have tried to start looking for another dog, it has not gone well. I had some hope for a Bull Mastiff I met while I was actually crying about Bella and it seemed like whole Divine Intervention thing, but it was not. So then I decided to try a positive spin on that experience and start looking at other rescues, so far no real luck and honestly I dont even really have the adoption fee in the bank. I am just trying to get a handle on this pain I am in before it blows me back into that black hole I spent most of my life fighting to get out of.
A dog that needed me, needed my healing , my brand of devotion, that would save me.
I have had incredible support, my friends from church, my friends and my parents have been amazing. Everyday there is a card,email or phone call asking "if there is anything they can do". I am so grateful, but really what can anyone do?
So I will go make my 5th attempt to watch a movie and hold on to Butter Cup and try to pretend that a huge part of me did not wish I just lied down and died with Bella. That somehow there will be another dog, who will become my best friend, my baby,my protector and the subject of my silly little songs.
My Bella has been gone since October 17.
It is real now,
Not only soft tears that just leak out but the deep guttural wrenching sobs that make you wonder if you have hemorrhaged and are crying blood.
Picking up her ashes was the most violent pain, it had me dry heaving outside of the doctors office. There could be no more denial that what was left of my great love was now in my hands.
Infinity did a nice job. Her paw print fits nicely between my praying hands. Her cremains in a tin with flowers and a dragonfly sits on its own black heart pillow on my bed.
(I am aware that freaks some people out. I dont care, I miss her and night is the worst).
Infinity also filled the black heart pendant I was given with some of Bella's cremains.
That I dont think I could have done on my own.
I have worn the heart every day. She is closer to me then. I hold on to it as I am trying to keep my shit together in public.
Not to many people get to spend the time with there pets as I do. For Bella's life I have been home with her. In 8 years I don't think we have been separated more then 14 days. So her physical presence not being there is profound. At the end of the day I chose her over my old life and never regretted that choice.
When I do my chores around the house I go to sing the silly little songs I have made up for the dogs and when I get to the 2 is Better then 1 song... well there is only one.
Butter Cup is trying to keep tied to this world. She is mighty beyond her size but she is not my Bella McSmoochie. She can not keep me "safe" as much as she would try. She is not as good with the nightmares or anxiety. She does come running though when those awful sobbing fits come on. I tell her because I am so upset about Bella it does not mean I love her any less. I can see people sneer that they dont understand what we are saying. Well maybe they dont understand you, but I am the freaking dog whisper and they understand almost every damn word I say. Any one who has spent time with my pack and I would swear to it.
I have tried to start looking for another dog, it has not gone well. I had some hope for a Bull Mastiff I met while I was actually crying about Bella and it seemed like whole Divine Intervention thing, but it was not. So then I decided to try a positive spin on that experience and start looking at other rescues, so far no real luck and honestly I dont even really have the adoption fee in the bank. I am just trying to get a handle on this pain I am in before it blows me back into that black hole I spent most of my life fighting to get out of.
A dog that needed me, needed my healing , my brand of devotion, that would save me.
I have had incredible support, my friends from church, my friends and my parents have been amazing. Everyday there is a card,email or phone call asking "if there is anything they can do". I am so grateful, but really what can anyone do?
So I will go make my 5th attempt to watch a movie and hold on to Butter Cup and try to pretend that a huge part of me did not wish I just lied down and died with Bella. That somehow there will be another dog, who will become my best friend, my baby,my protector and the subject of my silly little songs.
Old Ghost Chewing On My Fringes
September 25, 2014
It was a month last night.
Bella's cancer is ever pressing on my soul.
And of all the things to be haunting me, I wonder how could you not miss me?
I gave you all my best.
For the first time I was looking forward to Christmas.
I wanted to decorate your apartment and my own home, make you a million things, glittering snow flakes and orange & clove pomanders, butter cookies.
I wanted you to feel very special. I tried so hard to make you feel special.
But now all that is a head of me is Bella's slow death. A fate I am currently engaged in battle with. A world frozen over. A heart that is screaming out in its demise.
I wish I could just sleep.
It was a month last night.
Bella's cancer is ever pressing on my soul.
And of all the things to be haunting me, I wonder how could you not miss me?
I gave you all my best.
For the first time I was looking forward to Christmas.
I wanted to decorate your apartment and my own home, make you a million things, glittering snow flakes and orange & clove pomanders, butter cookies.
I wanted you to feel very special. I tried so hard to make you feel special.
But now all that is a head of me is Bella's slow death. A fate I am currently engaged in battle with. A world frozen over. A heart that is screaming out in its demise.
I wish I could just sleep.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
When I
When I woke up today all the old pain returned.
My chest a hollow cavern where dreams go to die.
My chest a hollow cavern where dreams go to die.
When I got out in the sun, it hurt, but that is a pain I understood.
When I walked though the doors of sacred space, I was reminded that I was not alone.
When I pulled out of the parking lot I remembered I was going to an empty home.
As I sit with my warm cup in hand, I think I can survive this.
As I sit with my warm cup in hand, I think, do I want to?
As I sit with my warm cup 1/2 empty I see my phones have not rung.
As I sit with my warm cup 1/2 empty and I am told to make art.
As the room grows colder, I have become older.
As the room grows colder, I have failed to attain your love.
As the room has grown cold, I gave up on my last hope.
As I pull up the sheet, God please let me sleep
I do not want to feel, anymore.There was some agony the day I wrote this, there is some of the same agony now, but it is also held to heel with family, good friends and my dogs.
Monday, September 1, 2014
Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate Part 1
With the days growing shorter the blessed news arrives, Salted Caramel Hot Chocolates and Lattes are back at Starbucks.
I had saved all my gold stars and calories for this first arrival of venti dark liquid love.
I could use a little love and a little darkness.
After a day of brooding and taking care of my dogs, I decided to shower up, lipstick up and go to my local Starbucks for some of my favorite sin & people watching, while I pretend I dont feel awkward and alone while I watch my Twitter feed.
Why is it I feel so much more alive when the air gets that first chill. And I found a spot to park right in front of the old Presbyterian church. I stop and look into the candy shop window. Fudge it may not do a body good but it does a soul wonders... I resist though. I am on a mission, salted caramel be thy name.
I go in and there are a few people but none in my favorite corner,good. I can see the whole place from there and the street. It looks like it is getting foggy. I go up to the counter and place my order with glee. The Barista takes my card and says "you have 12 gold stars would you like you use your free food or drink item"? "Yes I would, I would like a Venti Salty Caramel Hot Chocolate, extra salt please.
The Barista smiles, "that is how I like mine too".
I move to the "waiting area" for my fine handcrafted beverage to be served.
With my right hand being warmed by my large cup I move to the corner.
Twitter turns out pretty interesting this evening, lots of cool pictures from David Shakes.
Some animal rights petitions to sign and a few funny jokes, then I feel a chill behind me.
Someone must have opened a door. I look around dont really see anyone and go back to my Twit feed.
"Excuse me, why do you come out in public to be alone"
"What" I say as I look up into a pale older gentleman's gray eyes.
"You come out to a public drinking and eating establishment and you fall into that
electronic book thing. You speak to no one, here in the present".
I am dumb struck.
"If you have something interesting to say to me I can close it up, for a while."
He smiles... pulls out a chair.
I can not believe this, I have come here a dozen times hoping to meet someone and the first male that talks to me is admonishing me for my laptop usage and is an old guy, well an older guy.
"When I was in Europe and I used to go to Tea or Coffee houses, it was as much for conversation with strangers as the strong brew".
Still stunned I ask, "what are you having tonight".
"The girl at the counter suggested I try the Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate, she says they are very popular and just back in stock".
"That is what I am drinking, they are my favorite, I like the salt and the sweet. I just wish they used more of a darker drinking chocolate like the Chantico they used to serve".
"You have had real drinking chocolate"?he asks.
"I am not a savage" I reply.
He smiles at this, and I am wondering are his eyes gray or blue.
"It is growing foggy out, I wonder why" I muse, still a little bit uncomfortable.
"I brought it in with me, I am afraid" he says and takes a sip of his small cup.
Looking for something to say, I ask "you went with the short" not many people know about that size".
He says, "I usually dont drink sweet things, but sometimes I like salty, I wanted to try it before I buy it, like they do with everything now a days"
I am normally pretty good with accents, but I cant tell where this guy is from.
I ask him. "So where do you come from and what brought you to our lovely old town"
"This town is not old, almost nothing in this country is, (sensing my possible offense at a perceived slight of my home, quickly adds) charming as it is."
"I come from an island off of France, we have a thousand year old monastery called Mont Saint-Michel" Beautiful and strong like the arch angel it is named after".
"My mother's family came from Alsace-Lorraine, I hope to visit it someday"
"France has many charms, have you traveled outside of the country, young lady"?
"I am not so young, and my name is Elizabeth"
"Like The Great Queen"
"Exactly, my father was a history teacher and my mother an Anglophile. I have been there twice but only to London and Kent. I have also been to the mainland of Greece"
"So do you like traveling, Elizabeth"?
"Yes, very much so. I mean I am not a big fan of planes"
"Nor, I", he interrupts, "noisy, smelly confining things" but such a great deal faster then sailing ships, I am Frank by the way a derivative of Francis that suits more in these times".
Not sure what to say to that, I finger my necklace and I get back on topic
"Flying is cheaper, most of the time, and sometimes you have to fly to the boat anyway, still I would like to go on one of those riverboat cruises on the Rhine, you know the ones you see the commercials for on PBS"
"Now we get somewhere", and he slaps the table.
I start and look into his eyes, well they are blue, very blue"
"What do you mean"?
"I knew you had substance beyond your talking book"
I laugh, and say "hey I watch PBS on my talking book, I dont really have TV, I have health insurance for my dog".
"Health insurance for your dog", he arches his eyebrow, his forehead is remarkably unlined "and what kind of dog do you have?"
"Bella is a luv mutt of many dubious breeds best left unsaid and in all honesty I don't really know,she was abandoned at birth. I also have a Dachshund/Chihuahua mix that's breed is called a Chiweenie, who is profoundly perfect."
"Does she have health insurance?"
I take a long drink of my now cooling hot coco, and with down cast eyes say "No", I can not afford to have them both covered and Bella, although mighty of size has always had more health issues. While Butter Cup has been a tiny might hero"
"I like how you bend the English language to your will" he says, now I am starting to wonder if it was his clothes that made me think he was so much older. He could be mid 50's not 60's....
"It is fun to twist and turn it to my purpose and you should here me bend it when I drive" I giggle.
" You are a force to be reckoned with, like The Great Queen, I suppose".
"When I need to be, I am a raging wolf"
He finishes his drink and I ask, "so what do you think", pointing to his now empty cup"
"It could use more salt, but I think I may acquire a taste for them" His clothes are really not that old in style, more classic and simple, in muted grays like the fog.
He asks if I would like another, I think I really should not, but I am enjoying talking to this man from Mont Saint-Michel.
"Yes, please but just a short, or I will have to roll to my car''.
"Nonsense, women are much to thin now a days, they lack all the tender curves women are supposed to have unless they buy them in plastic and padding".
"I wish more people thought like you"
"They do he says, men are just afraid now a days to be men, and stand up for what they like, they go along with what the talking box tells them too" and with that he gets up to get our drinks.
While he is at the counter, I pull out my mirror and start the damage control on my make-up. Why am I tweaking my make-up, but I go a head and do it anyway.
It is all zipped up and away before he arrives back at our table.
"The girl at the counter has informed me we only have a half hour until closing time"
I am surprised that time has gone so quickly, I strain looking out into the street to see the state of the fog and wonder how fun my drive home will be. When you pass that lake sometimes you cant see the edge of your own car.
I ask how long he is in town.
He smiles again and I notice there really are only slight lines by the corners of his mouth.
His lips are full but not too full and his teeth white and straight but not freaky perfect like veneers and bleaching to that neon white color you see so much.
"I am not sure how long business will keep me, maybe another day or two"
"What is it you do, if I may ask"?
He smiles at my phrasing " You may. I am sort of a food critic, I research places for small meetings and the entertainment near by"
I can't help but giggle.
" You are not a pimp, right"
He laughs deeply and says "not as such for those predilections, but for small places for people to talk and not be too secluded".
My turn to try to arch an eyebrow....
I realize I should visit the ladies room and grab my bag and say excuse me for moment.
When I go to get up I wobble, the world tilting.
He grabs my arm to steady me. His grip is strong.
"Wow I must have had too much sugar today and not enough protein"
"You women and your silly dieting, are your feet firm now"? He asks with genuine concern.
I really look at his face now, he has to be in his mid to late 40's....
"I am fine" I will be right back.
When I get to the ladies room I thank GOD, I did not fall over and look in to the mirror.
I am very pale, my only color being the one I applied. The Lupus must be really acting up from all the stress of the past 2 weeks. I should go home and go straight to bed.
With short steady steps I return to the table.
"Francis", I use his real name, I am afraid my day has gotten to me and I should leave now, I really dont want too, I want to hear about your travels, but when the body calls, sometimes you have pick up and not let it go to voice mail".
"Could I be so bold and suggest we meet here again tomorrow night"?
My heart flutters, why is my heart fluttering, I need to talk to my shrink.
I try to sound casual.
"Umm I think I can do that, 7ish OK"?
"Yes that would be fine, shall I walk you to your car"?
"No, I'm right across the street, you can see it from here, thank you for the salted caramel hot chocolate, I will see you tomorrow"
I concentrate on one foot after another, I dont really breath until I get into my car. What is wrong with me?
I had saved all my gold stars and calories for this first arrival of venti dark liquid love.
I could use a little love and a little darkness.
After a day of brooding and taking care of my dogs, I decided to shower up, lipstick up and go to my local Starbucks for some of my favorite sin & people watching, while I pretend I dont feel awkward and alone while I watch my Twitter feed.
Why is it I feel so much more alive when the air gets that first chill. And I found a spot to park right in front of the old Presbyterian church. I stop and look into the candy shop window. Fudge it may not do a body good but it does a soul wonders... I resist though. I am on a mission, salted caramel be thy name.
I go in and there are a few people but none in my favorite corner,good. I can see the whole place from there and the street. It looks like it is getting foggy. I go up to the counter and place my order with glee. The Barista takes my card and says "you have 12 gold stars would you like you use your free food or drink item"? "Yes I would, I would like a Venti Salty Caramel Hot Chocolate, extra salt please.
The Barista smiles, "that is how I like mine too".
I move to the "waiting area" for my fine handcrafted beverage to be served.
With my right hand being warmed by my large cup I move to the corner.
Twitter turns out pretty interesting this evening, lots of cool pictures from David Shakes.
Some animal rights petitions to sign and a few funny jokes, then I feel a chill behind me.
Someone must have opened a door. I look around dont really see anyone and go back to my Twit feed.
"Excuse me, why do you come out in public to be alone"
"What" I say as I look up into a pale older gentleman's gray eyes.
"You come out to a public drinking and eating establishment and you fall into that
electronic book thing. You speak to no one, here in the present".
I am dumb struck.
"If you have something interesting to say to me I can close it up, for a while."
He smiles... pulls out a chair.
I can not believe this, I have come here a dozen times hoping to meet someone and the first male that talks to me is admonishing me for my laptop usage and is an old guy, well an older guy.
"When I was in Europe and I used to go to Tea or Coffee houses, it was as much for conversation with strangers as the strong brew".
Still stunned I ask, "what are you having tonight".
"The girl at the counter suggested I try the Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate, she says they are very popular and just back in stock".
"That is what I am drinking, they are my favorite, I like the salt and the sweet. I just wish they used more of a darker drinking chocolate like the Chantico they used to serve".
"You have had real drinking chocolate"?he asks.
"I am not a savage" I reply.
He smiles at this, and I am wondering are his eyes gray or blue.
"It is growing foggy out, I wonder why" I muse, still a little bit uncomfortable.
"I brought it in with me, I am afraid" he says and takes a sip of his small cup.
Looking for something to say, I ask "you went with the short" not many people know about that size".
He says, "I usually dont drink sweet things, but sometimes I like salty, I wanted to try it before I buy it, like they do with everything now a days"
I am normally pretty good with accents, but I cant tell where this guy is from.
I ask him. "So where do you come from and what brought you to our lovely old town"
"This town is not old, almost nothing in this country is, (sensing my possible offense at a perceived slight of my home, quickly adds) charming as it is."
"I come from an island off of France, we have a thousand year old monastery called Mont Saint-Michel" Beautiful and strong like the arch angel it is named after".
"My mother's family came from Alsace-Lorraine, I hope to visit it someday"
"France has many charms, have you traveled outside of the country, young lady"?
"I am not so young, and my name is Elizabeth"
"Like The Great Queen"
"Exactly, my father was a history teacher and my mother an Anglophile. I have been there twice but only to London and Kent. I have also been to the mainland of Greece"
"So do you like traveling, Elizabeth"?
"Yes, very much so. I mean I am not a big fan of planes"
"Nor, I", he interrupts, "noisy, smelly confining things" but such a great deal faster then sailing ships, I am Frank by the way a derivative of Francis that suits more in these times".
Not sure what to say to that, I finger my necklace and I get back on topic
"Flying is cheaper, most of the time, and sometimes you have to fly to the boat anyway, still I would like to go on one of those riverboat cruises on the Rhine, you know the ones you see the commercials for on PBS"
"Now we get somewhere", and he slaps the table.
I start and look into his eyes, well they are blue, very blue"
"What do you mean"?
"I knew you had substance beyond your talking book"
I laugh, and say "hey I watch PBS on my talking book, I dont really have TV, I have health insurance for my dog".
"Health insurance for your dog", he arches his eyebrow, his forehead is remarkably unlined "and what kind of dog do you have?"
"Bella is a luv mutt of many dubious breeds best left unsaid and in all honesty I don't really know,she was abandoned at birth. I also have a Dachshund/Chihuahua mix that's breed is called a Chiweenie, who is profoundly perfect."
"Does she have health insurance?"
I take a long drink of my now cooling hot coco, and with down cast eyes say "No", I can not afford to have them both covered and Bella, although mighty of size has always had more health issues. While Butter Cup has been a tiny might hero"
"I like how you bend the English language to your will" he says, now I am starting to wonder if it was his clothes that made me think he was so much older. He could be mid 50's not 60's....
"It is fun to twist and turn it to my purpose and you should here me bend it when I drive" I giggle.
" You are a force to be reckoned with, like The Great Queen, I suppose".
"When I need to be, I am a raging wolf"
He finishes his drink and I ask, "so what do you think", pointing to his now empty cup"
"It could use more salt, but I think I may acquire a taste for them" His clothes are really not that old in style, more classic and simple, in muted grays like the fog.
He asks if I would like another, I think I really should not, but I am enjoying talking to this man from Mont Saint-Michel.
"Yes, please but just a short, or I will have to roll to my car''.
"Nonsense, women are much to thin now a days, they lack all the tender curves women are supposed to have unless they buy them in plastic and padding".
"I wish more people thought like you"
"They do he says, men are just afraid now a days to be men, and stand up for what they like, they go along with what the talking box tells them too" and with that he gets up to get our drinks.
While he is at the counter, I pull out my mirror and start the damage control on my make-up. Why am I tweaking my make-up, but I go a head and do it anyway.
It is all zipped up and away before he arrives back at our table.
"The girl at the counter has informed me we only have a half hour until closing time"
I am surprised that time has gone so quickly, I strain looking out into the street to see the state of the fog and wonder how fun my drive home will be. When you pass that lake sometimes you cant see the edge of your own car.
I ask how long he is in town.
He smiles again and I notice there really are only slight lines by the corners of his mouth.
His lips are full but not too full and his teeth white and straight but not freaky perfect like veneers and bleaching to that neon white color you see so much.
"I am not sure how long business will keep me, maybe another day or two"
"What is it you do, if I may ask"?
He smiles at my phrasing " You may. I am sort of a food critic, I research places for small meetings and the entertainment near by"
I can't help but giggle.
" You are not a pimp, right"
He laughs deeply and says "not as such for those predilections, but for small places for people to talk and not be too secluded".
My turn to try to arch an eyebrow....
I realize I should visit the ladies room and grab my bag and say excuse me for moment.
When I go to get up I wobble, the world tilting.
He grabs my arm to steady me. His grip is strong.
"Wow I must have had too much sugar today and not enough protein"
"You women and your silly dieting, are your feet firm now"? He asks with genuine concern.
I really look at his face now, he has to be in his mid to late 40's....
"I am fine" I will be right back.
When I get to the ladies room I thank GOD, I did not fall over and look in to the mirror.
I am very pale, my only color being the one I applied. The Lupus must be really acting up from all the stress of the past 2 weeks. I should go home and go straight to bed.
With short steady steps I return to the table.
"Francis", I use his real name, I am afraid my day has gotten to me and I should leave now, I really dont want too, I want to hear about your travels, but when the body calls, sometimes you have pick up and not let it go to voice mail".
"Could I be so bold and suggest we meet here again tomorrow night"?
My heart flutters, why is my heart fluttering, I need to talk to my shrink.
I try to sound casual.
"Umm I think I can do that, 7ish OK"?
"Yes that would be fine, shall I walk you to your car"?
"No, I'm right across the street, you can see it from here, thank you for the salted caramel hot chocolate, I will see you tomorrow"
I concentrate on one foot after another, I dont really breath until I get into my car. What is wrong with me?
Friday, August 15, 2014
Big Brother.
My brother Michael, or as I call him Mike-ie is 10.5 years older then I and perhaps, as least in my opinion the greatest big brother in the world. I could tell you a normal things, like he took me to my first concerts (A Flock of Seagulls at a collage & KISS at MSG), took my side in fights with mom and dad, but although those memories are great, they are not what counts.
What counts is the time he carved out of his life for me. From day one.
I have been told, when I left the hospital I was only 3.lbs and 9 ounces.
I was too tiny to hold, but Michael sat next to me in carrier and made sure I was safe.
There was some yarn about me getting carried home in a shoebox by him but my mom just confirmed that was just not true.
My mom also said my brother repeatedly offered to share his room with me, what 10 year old boy does that?
Apparently he introduced me too condiments while my parents where closing on the house that I was to grow up in. He said I like mustard, I still do. But not hot sauce, I still don't. That same day he laid me out in the bare living room and apparently I just rolled around and around.. when I would get stuck in the corners and scream, he would come and get me out.
None of this compares though to Christmas Eve.
My mother is French and German so we celebrate Christmas at night on Christmas Eve.
You go to sleep, Santa comes and they wake you up. My brother always carried me down the stairs.. I would say well into my teens.. And we would all open up our presents and then my brother and I would get to play with all my presents, munching cookies looking at each other and laughing (that mom never knew we had found out she used to wrap them up as a presents.We would find and unwrap them, take a few from each level then re-wrap the cookies). One Christmas night he was working and buying presents last minute and wrapped my new Walkman in tin foil. Which I thought was the coolest thing ever because it was silver and I loved silver. Whatever he did for me was cool.
All the iconic moments of childhood movies, Star Trek, Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, the animated/live action Lord of the Rings..
We saw them all together.
Later on
My brother rescued a Bull Mastiff he named Max and I named Woof-ie. He ate half of the chocolate cake my mom made, with tweezers we picked out all the dog hair stuck on the cake, and with a hot knife we smoothed out the frosting and took the blame for eating most of the cake, she never new until we told her years later.
For my 15th birthday we went to NYC and went to a now defunct Tower Records and El Coyote ( a very hip Mexican restaurant in The Village). Two, very hot, long haired guys saw me looking at a Vicious Rumors LP and came over to talk. My brother casually walked up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders and said "guys I am sorry to say, she is just 15 and I am her big brother". Ohhh MIKE-IE!!!
We also got stuck that night in the tunnel for 2 hours. It was his first new car totally stripped down, we had no music but we did not care, we had David's cookies and each other.
He always listened, once he got me an Irish coin necklace that just had the rabbit carved out. I had just seen Watership Down and was all obsessed with it. I still have that necklace.
I have most things he gave me, accept the diamond earrings... errr sorry about that one Mike-ie..
The best nights though where when we would drive around in his car and just play the radio loud and talk. There was nothing we could not talk about. And he told me the important things in life, "always hold your drink","if someone hits on you you are not interested in you say I am sorry you are very beautiful/handsome but I do not swing that way" & "NEVER talk to mommie after you come home from a Pink Floyd concert"...
He was there for my first heart brake, no one else knew about him, he was too old, I would still be grounded, but Michael met him and he understood.
When he got his first big promotion, he called my shrink about whether or not I could handle him moving out, my shrink said to him " I finally get a direct line to Jesus Christ"
He was there when my parents needed a sit down about me needing to go on to medication or I was going to die.
He was there when I thought they left a needle in my spine.
He was there when our Nanny died and I lost my favorite Not-Him Human.
He was there when I said goodbye to NJ.
My brother is also 50% responsible for the DNA of my 2 nieces and one nephew.
They are reasons for living beyond my dogs. They are magical and wonderful and some of the deepest love I have ever felt.
He has listened to me cry about me not having my own.
My brother has my back even when we fight and is probably the only human I trust 100%.
My brother is the person I fear most losing.
My brother was the first person to make me laugh.
I like to think now, I have taught him a few things, "you need an intellectual equal as a partner" and "if you let your child dye her hair purple at 16 or 17 she may not run off too England and do it at 25"
But I look forward to us as we get older.
We seem to get better.
Thank you Mike-ie, I love you most.
What counts is the time he carved out of his life for me. From day one.
I have been told, when I left the hospital I was only 3.lbs and 9 ounces.
I was too tiny to hold, but Michael sat next to me in carrier and made sure I was safe.
There was some yarn about me getting carried home in a shoebox by him but my mom just confirmed that was just not true.
My mom also said my brother repeatedly offered to share his room with me, what 10 year old boy does that?
Apparently he introduced me too condiments while my parents where closing on the house that I was to grow up in. He said I like mustard, I still do. But not hot sauce, I still don't. That same day he laid me out in the bare living room and apparently I just rolled around and around.. when I would get stuck in the corners and scream, he would come and get me out.
None of this compares though to Christmas Eve.
You go to sleep, Santa comes and they wake you up. My brother always carried me down the stairs.. I would say well into my teens.. And we would all open up our presents and then my brother and I would get to play with all my presents, munching cookies looking at each other and laughing (that mom never knew we had found out she used to wrap them up as a presents.We would find and unwrap them, take a few from each level then re-wrap the cookies). One Christmas night he was working and buying presents last minute and wrapped my new Walkman in tin foil. Which I thought was the coolest thing ever because it was silver and I loved silver. Whatever he did for me was cool.
All the iconic moments of childhood movies, Star Trek, Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, the animated/live action Lord of the Rings..
We saw them all together.
Later on
My brother rescued a Bull Mastiff he named Max and I named Woof-ie. He ate half of the chocolate cake my mom made, with tweezers we picked out all the dog hair stuck on the cake, and with a hot knife we smoothed out the frosting and took the blame for eating most of the cake, she never new until we told her years later.
For my 15th birthday we went to NYC and went to a now defunct Tower Records and El Coyote ( a very hip Mexican restaurant in The Village). Two, very hot, long haired guys saw me looking at a Vicious Rumors LP and came over to talk. My brother casually walked up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders and said "guys I am sorry to say, she is just 15 and I am her big brother". Ohhh MIKE-IE!!!
We also got stuck that night in the tunnel for 2 hours. It was his first new car totally stripped down, we had no music but we did not care, we had David's cookies and each other.
He always listened, once he got me an Irish coin necklace that just had the rabbit carved out. I had just seen Watership Down and was all obsessed with it. I still have that necklace.
I have most things he gave me, accept the diamond earrings... errr sorry about that one Mike-ie..
The best nights though where when we would drive around in his car and just play the radio loud and talk. There was nothing we could not talk about. And he told me the important things in life, "always hold your drink","if someone hits on you you are not interested in you say I am sorry you are very beautiful/handsome but I do not swing that way" & "NEVER talk to mommie after you come home from a Pink Floyd concert"...
He was there for my first heart brake, no one else knew about him, he was too old, I would still be grounded, but Michael met him and he understood.
When he got his first big promotion, he called my shrink about whether or not I could handle him moving out, my shrink said to him " I finally get a direct line to Jesus Christ"
He was there when my parents needed a sit down about me needing to go on to medication or I was going to die.
He was there when I thought they left a needle in my spine.
He was there when our Nanny died and I lost my favorite Not-Him Human.
He was there when I said goodbye to NJ.
My brother is also 50% responsible for the DNA of my 2 nieces and one nephew.
They are reasons for living beyond my dogs. They are magical and wonderful and some of the deepest love I have ever felt.
He has listened to me cry about me not having my own.
My brother has my back even when we fight and is probably the only human I trust 100%.
My brother is the person I fear most losing.
My brother was the first person to make me laugh.
I like to think now, I have taught him a few things, "you need an intellectual equal as a partner" and "if you let your child dye her hair purple at 16 or 17 she may not run off too England and do it at 25"
But I look forward to us as we get older.
We seem to get better.
Thank you Mike-ie, I love you most.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Greetings.
I am Elizabeth.
I have not had a blog since my MySpace days, hopefully this will be a little less whiny and more literary or at least less soul purging and more "let there be light".
My Big Love, Bella, may not have cancer.
In my world, she is the moon.
She lights the darkness and keeps me safe and warm.
Both cyber and physical. The people of my church are truly good. Kind. Caring. Real.
(and I am not a holy roller but a Universal Unitarian, that still clings to her pagan-ish Saints and all her crosses)
The friends I have now are truly special, but know, without the friends I used to call mine, I would not have become the person worthy of such special humans.
I leave you with this thought.
Gratitude.
Everything can always be worse, less, more....
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