I have loved you more then the flowers have loved the sun.

November 8th, 2014

My Bella has been gone since October 17.

It is real now,
Not only soft tears that just leak out but the deep guttural wrenching sobs that make you wonder if you have hemorrhaged and are crying blood.
Picking up her ashes was the most violent pain, it had me dry heaving outside of the doctors office.  There could be no more denial that what was left of my great love was now in my hands.
Infinity did a nice job. Her paw print fits nicely between my praying hands. Her cremains in a tin with flowers and a dragonfly sits on its own black heart pillow on my bed.
(I am aware that freaks some people out. I dont care, I miss her and night is the worst).
Infinity also filled the black heart pendant I was given with some of Bella's cremains.
That I dont think I could have done on my own.
I have worn the heart every day. She is closer to me then. I hold on to it as I am trying to keep my shit together in public.

Not to many people get to spend the time with there pets as I do. For Bella's life I have been home with her. In 8 years I don't think we have been separated more then 14 days. So her physical presence not being there is profound. At the end of the day I chose her over my old life and never regretted that choice.

When I do my chores around the house I go to sing the silly little songs I have made up for the dogs and when I get to the 2 is Better then 1 song... well there is only one.
Butter Cup is trying to keep tied to this world. She is mighty beyond her size but she is not my Bella McSmoochie. She can not keep me "safe" as much as she would try. She is not as good with the nightmares or anxiety. She does come running though when those awful sobbing fits come on. I tell her because I am so upset about Bella it does not mean I love her any less. I can see people sneer that they dont understand what we are saying. Well maybe they dont understand you, but I am the freaking dog whisper and they understand almost every damn word I say.  Any one who has spent time with my pack and I would swear to it.

I have tried to start looking for another dog, it has not gone well. I had some hope for a Bull Mastiff I met while I was actually crying about Bella and it seemed like whole Divine Intervention thing, but it was not. So then I decided to try a positive spin on that experience and start looking at other rescues, so far no real luck and honestly I dont even really have the adoption fee in the bank. I am just trying to get a handle on this pain I am in before it blows me back into that black hole I spent most of my life fighting to get out of.
A dog that needed me, needed my healing , my brand of devotion, that would save me.

I have had incredible support, my friends from church, my friends and my parents have been amazing. Everyday there is a card,email or phone call asking "if there is anything they can do". I am so grateful, but really what can anyone do?

So I will go make my 5th attempt to watch a movie and hold on to Butter Cup and try to pretend that a huge part of me did not wish I just lied down and died with Bella. That somehow there will be another dog, who will become my best friend, my baby,my protector and the subject of my silly little songs.