Tuesday, September 2, 2014

When I


When I woke up today all the old pain returned.
My chest a hollow cavern where dreams go to die.
When I got out in the sun, it hurt, but that is a pain I understood.
When I walked though the doors of sacred space, I was reminded that I was not alone.
When I pulled out of the parking lot I remembered I was going to an empty home.

As I sit with my warm cup in hand, I think I can survive this.
As I sit with my warm cup in hand, I think, do I want to?
As I sit with my warm cup 1/2 empty I see my phones have not rung.
As I sit with my warm cup 1/2 empty and I am told to make art.

As the room grows colder, I have become older.
As  the room grows colder, I have failed to attain your love.
As the room has grown cold, I gave up on my last hope.
As I pull up the sheet, God please let me sleep
I do not want to feel, anymore.

 There was some agony the day I wrote this, there is some of the same agony now, but it is also held to heel with family,  good friends and my dogs.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate Part 1

With the days growing shorter the blessed news arrives, Salted Caramel Hot Chocolates and Lattes are back at Starbucks.
I had saved all my gold stars and calories for this first arrival of venti dark liquid love.
I could use a little love and a little darkness.

After a day of brooding and taking care of my dogs, I decided to shower up, lipstick up and go to my local Starbucks for some of my favorite sin & people watching, while I pretend I dont feel awkward and alone while I watch my Twitter feed.

Why is it I feel so much more alive when the air gets that first chill. And I found a spot to park right in front of the old Presbyterian church. I stop and look into the candy shop window. Fudge it may not do a body good but it does a soul wonders... I resist though. I am on a mission, salted caramel be thy name.

I go in and there are a few people but none in my favorite corner,good. I can see the whole place from there and the street. It looks like it is getting foggy.  I go up to the counter and place my order with glee. The Barista takes my card and says "you have 12 gold stars would you like you use your free food or drink item"? "Yes I would, I would like a Venti Salty Caramel Hot Chocolate, extra salt please.
The Barista smiles, "that is how I like mine too".
I move to the "waiting area" for my fine handcrafted beverage to be served.

With my right hand being warmed by my large cup I move to the corner.
Twitter turns out pretty interesting this evening, lots of cool pictures from David Shakes.
Some animal rights petitions to sign and a few funny jokes, then I feel a chill behind me.
Someone must have opened a door. I look around dont really see anyone and go back to my Twit feed.

"Excuse me, why do you come out in public to be alone"
"What" I say as I look up into a pale older gentleman's gray eyes.
"You come out to a public drinking and eating establishment and you fall into that
electronic book thing. You speak to no one, here in the present".
I am dumb struck.
"If you have something interesting to say to me I can close it up, for a while."
He smiles... pulls out a chair.
I can not believe this, I have come here a dozen times hoping to meet someone and the first male that talks to me is admonishing me for my laptop usage and is an old guy, well an older guy.

"When I was in Europe and I used to go to Tea or Coffee houses, it was as much for conversation with strangers as the strong brew".
Still stunned I ask, "what are you having tonight".
"The girl at the counter suggested I try the Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate, she says they are very popular and just back in stock".
"That is what I am drinking, they are my favorite, I like the salt and the sweet. I just wish they used more of a darker drinking chocolate like the Chantico they used to serve".
"You have had real drinking chocolate"?he asks.
"I am not a savage" I reply.
He smiles at this, and I am wondering are his eyes gray or blue.

"It is growing foggy out, I wonder why" I muse, still a little bit uncomfortable.

"I brought it in with me, I am afraid" he says and takes a sip of his small cup.

Looking for something to say, I ask "you went with the short" not many people know about that size".
He says, "I usually dont drink sweet things, but sometimes I like salty, I wanted to try it before I buy it, like they do with everything now a days"

I am normally pretty good with accents, but I cant tell where this guy is from.
I ask him. "So where do you come from and what brought you to our lovely old town"
"This town is not old, almost nothing in this country is, (sensing my possible offense at a perceived  slight of my home, quickly adds) charming as it is."
"I come from an island off of France, we have a thousand year old monastery called Mont Saint-Michel" Beautiful and strong like the arch angel it is named after".
"My mother's family came from  Alsace-Lorraine, I hope to visit it someday"
 "France has many charms, have you traveled outside of the country, young lady"?
"I am not so young, and my name is Elizabeth"
"Like The Great Queen"
"Exactly, my father was a history teacher and my mother an Anglophile. I have been there twice but only to London and Kent. I have also been to the mainland of Greece"
"So do you like traveling, Elizabeth"?
"Yes, very much so. I mean I am not a big fan of planes"
"Nor, I", he interrupts, "noisy, smelly confining things" but such a great deal faster then sailing ships, I am Frank by the way a derivative of Francis that suits more in these times".
Not sure what to say to that, I finger my necklace and I get back on topic
"Flying is cheaper, most of the time, and sometimes you have to fly to the boat anyway, still I would like to go on one of those riverboat cruises on the Rhine, you know the ones you see the commercials for on PBS"
"Now we get somewhere", and he slaps the table.
I start and look into his eyes, well they are blue, very blue"
"What do you mean"?
"I knew you had substance beyond your talking book"
I laugh, and say "hey I watch PBS on my talking book, I dont really have TV, I have health insurance for my dog".
"Health insurance for your dog", he arches his eyebrow,  his forehead is remarkably unlined "and what kind of dog do you have?"
"Bella is a luv mutt of many dubious breeds best left unsaid and in all honesty I don't really know,she was abandoned at birth. I also have a Dachshund/Chihuahua mix that's breed is called a Chiweenie, who is profoundly perfect."
"Does she have health insurance?" 
I take a long drink of my now cooling hot coco, and with down cast eyes say "No", I can not afford to have them both covered and Bella, although mighty of size has always had more health issues. While Butter Cup has been a tiny might hero"
"I like how you bend the English language to your will" he says, now I am starting to wonder if it was his clothes that made me think he was so much older. He could be mid 50's not 60's....
"It is fun to twist and turn it to my purpose and you should here me bend it when I drive" I giggle.
" You are a force to be reckoned with, like The Great Queen, I suppose".
"When I need to be, I am a raging wolf"
He finishes his drink and I ask, "so what do you think", pointing to his now empty cup"
"It could use more salt, but I think I may acquire a taste for them" His clothes are really not that old in style, more classic and simple, in muted grays like the fog.
He asks if I would like another, I think I really should not, but I am enjoying talking to this man from Mont Saint-Michel.
"Yes, please but just a short, or I will have to roll to my car''.
"Nonsense, women are much to thin now a days, they lack all the tender curves women are supposed to have unless they buy them in plastic and padding".
"I wish more people thought like you"
"They do he says, men are just afraid now a days to be men, and stand up for what they like, they go along with what the talking box tells them too" and with that he gets up to get our drinks.
While he is at the counter, I pull out my mirror and start the damage control on my make-up. Why am I tweaking my make-up, but I go a head and do it anyway.
It is all zipped up and away before he arrives back at our table.
"The girl at the counter has informed me we only have a half hour until closing time"
I am surprised that time has gone so quickly, I strain looking out into the street to see the state of the fog and wonder how fun my drive home will be. When you pass that lake sometimes you cant see the edge of your own car.
I ask how long he is in town.
He smiles again and I notice there really are only slight lines by the corners of his mouth.
His lips are full but not too full and his teeth white and straight but not freaky perfect like veneers and bleaching to that neon white color you see so much.
"I am not sure how long business will keep me, maybe another day or two"
"What is it you do, if I may ask"?
He smiles at my phrasing " You may. I am sort of a food critic, I research places for small meetings and the entertainment near by"
I can't help but giggle.
" You are not a pimp, right"
He laughs deeply and says "not as such for those predilections, but for small places for people to talk and not be too secluded".
My turn to try to arch an eyebrow....
I realize I should visit the ladies room and grab my bag and say excuse me for moment.
When I go to get up I wobble, the world tilting.
He grabs my arm to steady me. His grip is strong.
"Wow I must have had too much sugar today and not enough protein"
"You women and your silly dieting, are your feet firm now"? He asks with genuine concern.
I really look at his face now, he has to be in his mid to late 40's....
"I am fine" I will be right back.
When I get to the ladies room I thank GOD, I did not fall over and look in to the mirror.
I am very pale, my only color being the one I applied.  The Lupus must be really acting up from all the stress of the past 2 weeks. I should go home and go straight to bed.
With short steady steps I return to the table.
"Francis", I use his real name, I am afraid my day has gotten to me and I should leave now, I really dont want too,  I want to hear about your travels, but when the body calls, sometimes you have pick up and not let it go to voice mail".
"Could I be so bold and suggest we meet here again tomorrow night"?
My heart flutters, why is my heart fluttering, I need to talk to my shrink.
I try to sound casual.
"Umm I think I can do that, 7ish OK"?
"Yes that would be fine, shall I walk you to your car"?
"No, I'm right across the street, you can see it from here, thank you for the salted caramel hot chocolate, I will see you tomorrow"
I concentrate on one foot after another, I dont really breath until I get into my car. What is wrong with me?

 

Friday, August 15, 2014

Big Brother.

My brother Michael, or as I call him Mike-ie is 10.5 years older then I and perhaps, as least in my opinion the greatest big brother in the world. I could tell you a normal things, like he took me to my first concerts (A Flock of Seagulls at a collage  & KISS at MSG), took my side in fights with mom and dad, but although those memories are great, they are not what counts.
What counts is the time he carved out of his life for me. From day one.
I have been told, when I left the hospital I was only 3.lbs and 9 ounces.
I was too tiny to hold, but Michael sat next to me in carrier and made sure I was safe.
There was some yarn about me getting carried home in a shoebox by him but my mom just confirmed that was just not true.
My mom also said my brother repeatedly offered to share his room with me, what 10 year old boy does that?

Apparently he introduced me too condiments while my parents where closing on the house that I was to grow up in. He said I like mustard,  I still do. But not hot sauce, I still don't. That same day he laid me out in the bare living room and apparently I just rolled around and around.. when I would get stuck in the corners and scream, he would come and get me out.
None of this compares though to Christmas Eve.
My mother is French and German so we celebrate Christmas at night on Christmas Eve.
You go to sleep, Santa comes and they wake you up. My brother always carried me down the stairs.. I would say well into my teens.. And we would all open up our presents and then my brother and I would get to play with all my presents, munching cookies looking at each other and laughing (that mom never knew we had found out she used to wrap them up as a presents.We would find and unwrap them, take a few from each level then re-wrap the cookies). One Christmas night he was working and buying presents last minute and wrapped my new Walkman in tin foil. Which I thought was the coolest thing ever because it was silver and I loved silver. Whatever he did for me was cool.

All the iconic moments of childhood movies, Star Trek, Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back,  the animated/live action Lord of the Rings..
We saw them all together.

Later on
My brother rescued a Bull Mastiff he named Max and I named Woof-ie. He ate half of the chocolate cake my mom made, with tweezers we picked out all the dog hair stuck on the cake, and with a hot knife we smoothed out the frosting and took the blame for eating most of the cake, she never new until we told her years later.



For my 15th birthday we went to NYC and went to a now defunct Tower Records and El Coyote ( a very hip Mexican restaurant in The Village). Two, very hot, long haired guys saw me looking at a Vicious Rumors LP and came over to talk. My brother casually walked up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders and said  "guys I am sorry to say, she is just 15 and I am her big brother".  Ohhh MIKE-IE!!!
We also got stuck that night in the tunnel for 2 hours. It was his first new car totally stripped down, we had no music but we did not care, we had David's cookies and each other.

He always listened, once he got me an Irish coin necklace that just had the rabbit carved out. I had just seen Watership Down and was all obsessed with it. I still have that necklace.
I have most things he gave me, accept the diamond earrings... errr sorry about that one Mike-ie..

The best nights though where when we would drive around in his car and just play the radio loud and talk. There was nothing we could not talk about. And he told me the important things in life, "always hold your drink","if someone hits on you you are not interested in you say I am sorry you are very beautiful/handsome but I do not swing that way" & "NEVER talk to mommie after you come home from a Pink Floyd concert"...

He was there for my first heart brake, no one else knew about him, he was too old, I would still be grounded, but Michael met him and he understood.

When he got his first big promotion, he called my shrink about whether or not I could handle him moving out, my shrink said to him " I finally get a direct line to Jesus Christ"

He was there when my parents needed a sit down about me needing to go on to medication or I was going to die.

He was there when I thought they left a needle in my spine.

He was there when our Nanny died and I lost my favorite Not-Him Human.

He was there when I said goodbye to NJ.

My brother is also 50% responsible for the DNA of my 2 nieces and one nephew.
They are reasons for living beyond my dogs. They are magical and wonderful and some of the deepest love I have ever felt.
He has listened to me cry about me not having my own.

My brother has my back even when we fight and is probably the only human I trust 100%.

My brother is the person I fear most losing.

My brother was the first person to make me laugh.

I like to think now, I have taught him a few things, "you need an intellectual equal as a partner" and "if you let your child dye her hair purple at 16 or 17 she may not run off too England and do it at 25"

But I look forward to us as we get older.
We seem to get better.

Thank you Mike-ie, I love you most. 

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Greetings.


I am Elizabeth.
I have not had a blog since my MySpace days, hopefully this will be a little less whiny and more literary or at least less soul purging and more "let there be light".

Today is a day of joy for me.
My Big Love, Bella, may not have cancer.
In my world, she is the moon.
She lights the darkness and keeps me safe and warm.
I have realized I have been given an immense gift with the people I have in my life right now.
Both cyber and physical. The people of my church are truly good. Kind. Caring. Real.
(and I am not a holy roller but a Universal Unitarian, that still clings to her pagan-ish Saints and all her crosses)
The friends I have now are truly special, but know, without the friends I used to call mine, I would not have become the person worthy of such special humans.

I leave you with this thought.
Gratitude.
Everything can always be worse, less, more....