When I was a child,
I was in a store looking at Animal Themed Pens..
I noticed one was missing an eye, and pointed it out to sales clerk.
She told me, "This pen will be special to someone".
My life sort became defined in that moment.
I have always preferred the broken ones... the ones with out love..
From dogs, to human to pens...
Most of the time, I am the one who has been fixed.
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate, Part Two.
I slept fitfully that night. Excited, scared and confused all at the same time.
I could not keep a clear picture of Francis in my minds eye.
His features kept blurring like an over possessed add for wrinkle cream.
The day both dragged and sped by. I did my nails 3 times.
Finally going with a classic fall red.
A warm color, like my hair, like I will make my eyes.
I told no one of the impending date (??!!??)
That for me is very unusual. And maybe not safe, but we are only going to Starbucks...
I changed clothes at least 12 times. To much cleavage, to little cleavage, I own too much black. Can you own too much black? I settle with a long black skirt with a nice side slit. I figure it can't be too high, my mother bought it for me. Then I chose a tasteful shirt black with a gold and white pattern that drapes, shall we say, artfully. This my mother also bought so I figure it can't be too suggestive. For jewelry, I go with a vintage Karl Lagerfeld matte gold and pearl drop earrings and leave my throat bare. I also have the matching bracelet with hanging pearl drops and angels. I figure, I might need them since the fact I am paying such insane attention to detail for a person, a man, I am so confused about propones.
It is 6:18. Too early to leave yet. I take a final look in the mirror and think, is this to formal?
Then I say to myself. No, this is me. And who is He?
6:19. the dogs give a mournful whine that they are in there room and not with me.
Do I have on enough perfume? Do I have on too much?
6:22. I decide to leave, you know, just in case one of the neighbors see me and I get caught in a conversation.
6:23 I start the car and Bastille's Skulls is on "When our lives are over and all that remains, are our skulls and bones now, let's take it too the grave"
I change it to the classical radio station. As I near my first light, I have to slam on the brakes because I fail to notice the gray car in front of me slow down to let someone into our lane.
This startles me too my core. I breathe, I pray for the rest of the light.
I take Broadway because I have to kill some time and find yet another divinely inspired spot in front of a church. The car clock says 6:40 and is 12 minuets fast. So I am perfectly on time, as I think about that and whether or not I should be, I am almost late.
I take a final check of my lipstick in the review mirror and head out.
As I walk down the ramp from the back door of Starbucks I see him immediately. Even in his muted tones of navy tonight, Francis is color in a sepia tone world.
I know I am flushing. What a fool am I. Maybe I should have not worn black.
"Hello Elizabeth". He smiles full and pleased.
"Hello Francis".
"So no calling me Frank for you"?
"It seems beneath you", then I proceed to stair at my feet as if I can visually will them to move forward.
"Please sit down, I wanted to ask you a question"
I think I have done something, been wrong in some way, it must flash across my face because he laughs at me. Laughs!
"Are you laughing at me"?
"Your charm is pleasing"
I ponder and sit.
"I was wondering if you had supper this evening"
I realize I have forgotten to eat since the early AM.
"I have not, I was saving room for Hot Chocolate"
Was that as stupid of a thing to say as it sounded out loud?
"Would you like to dine at the cafe a few doors to my right"
I compose my grin.
"If you would like, most of the restaurants in this part of town are pretty good and we are off of tourist season now, so it will be OK we do not have a reservation".
"I have never understood American's need to plan every detail of there day, spontaneity grows the seeds of adventure"
He rises, I rise, he holds out his hand and turns towards the door.
I could not keep a clear picture of Francis in my minds eye.
His features kept blurring like an over possessed add for wrinkle cream.
The day both dragged and sped by. I did my nails 3 times.
Finally going with a classic fall red.
A warm color, like my hair, like I will make my eyes.
I told no one of the impending date (??!!??)
That for me is very unusual. And maybe not safe, but we are only going to Starbucks...
I changed clothes at least 12 times. To much cleavage, to little cleavage, I own too much black. Can you own too much black? I settle with a long black skirt with a nice side slit. I figure it can't be too high, my mother bought it for me. Then I chose a tasteful shirt black with a gold and white pattern that drapes, shall we say, artfully. This my mother also bought so I figure it can't be too suggestive. For jewelry, I go with a vintage Karl Lagerfeld matte gold and pearl drop earrings and leave my throat bare. I also have the matching bracelet with hanging pearl drops and angels. I figure, I might need them since the fact I am paying such insane attention to detail for a person, a man, I am so confused about propones.
It is 6:18. Too early to leave yet. I take a final look in the mirror and think, is this to formal?
Then I say to myself. No, this is me. And who is He?
6:19. the dogs give a mournful whine that they are in there room and not with me.
Do I have on enough perfume? Do I have on too much?
6:22. I decide to leave, you know, just in case one of the neighbors see me and I get caught in a conversation.
6:23 I start the car and Bastille's Skulls is on "When our lives are over and all that remains, are our skulls and bones now, let's take it too the grave"
I change it to the classical radio station. As I near my first light, I have to slam on the brakes because I fail to notice the gray car in front of me slow down to let someone into our lane.
This startles me too my core. I breathe, I pray for the rest of the light.
I take Broadway because I have to kill some time and find yet another divinely inspired spot in front of a church. The car clock says 6:40 and is 12 minuets fast. So I am perfectly on time, as I think about that and whether or not I should be, I am almost late.
I take a final check of my lipstick in the review mirror and head out.
As I walk down the ramp from the back door of Starbucks I see him immediately. Even in his muted tones of navy tonight, Francis is color in a sepia tone world.
I know I am flushing. What a fool am I. Maybe I should have not worn black.
"Hello Elizabeth". He smiles full and pleased.
"Hello Francis".
"So no calling me Frank for you"?
"It seems beneath you", then I proceed to stair at my feet as if I can visually will them to move forward.
"Please sit down, I wanted to ask you a question"
I think I have done something, been wrong in some way, it must flash across my face because he laughs at me. Laughs!
"Are you laughing at me"?
"Your charm is pleasing"
I ponder and sit.
"I was wondering if you had supper this evening"
I realize I have forgotten to eat since the early AM.
"I have not, I was saving room for Hot Chocolate"
Was that as stupid of a thing to say as it sounded out loud?
"Would you like to dine at the cafe a few doors to my right"
I compose my grin.
"If you would like, most of the restaurants in this part of town are pretty good and we are off of tourist season now, so it will be OK we do not have a reservation".
"I have never understood American's need to plan every detail of there day, spontaneity grows the seeds of adventure"
He rises, I rise, he holds out his hand and turns towards the door.
New World Order...
I have been quiet too long...
When I think the silence descends.
I had to re-org my social structure a bit. It hurt. A lot, some of it still does, but I was allowing myself to get too effected by other peoples shit. Call it empathy, call it weakness, call it being a good friend... whatever. I needed to pull back and regroup. For once, for bloody once, I had to put me first. (well maybe for the 2nd time in my life)
Accept...
For my Balin. (Formerly "Puppy Love") soon to make it to his first birthday,(if we can stop having medical crisis and eating things like gravel and rhinestones).
And then...
My 2 friends with cancer. They both are really special humans. Both getting smacked with such highs and lows of life in rapid succession. They are gifts to me, even if I am crying for them or with them...
On top of...
There are some serious medical problems in my family. Some of which are genetic and are making me wonder if getting tested is suicidal or wise. All of this sprinkled in with a bit of a crisis of faith, a deep questioning of, I should bother trying to date again, should I sell my home and multi-handful of crippling anxiety attacks.
So...
My best friend will be up today, there may or may not be a cheat day of pizza. (I have lost 10lbs and will continue to do so). I will work on long over due recordings for my friend in England (damn the background noise) and my lack of printer ink so the damn click of the keyboard gets recorded. I will walk the crazy luv mutt as long as the UV stays under 3 and it is not pouring and do my best to try to live again. And write.
And for the record. Sence8 stole a touch of my idea. I have been working the 15 pages I have for years and years. LOL. And mine is more of modest sets of 3.
When I think the silence descends.
I had to re-org my social structure a bit. It hurt. A lot, some of it still does, but I was allowing myself to get too effected by other peoples shit. Call it empathy, call it weakness, call it being a good friend... whatever. I needed to pull back and regroup. For once, for bloody once, I had to put me first. (well maybe for the 2nd time in my life)
Accept...
For my Balin. (Formerly "Puppy Love") soon to make it to his first birthday,(if we can stop having medical crisis and eating things like gravel and rhinestones).
And then...
My 2 friends with cancer. They both are really special humans. Both getting smacked with such highs and lows of life in rapid succession. They are gifts to me, even if I am crying for them or with them...
On top of...
There are some serious medical problems in my family. Some of which are genetic and are making me wonder if getting tested is suicidal or wise. All of this sprinkled in with a bit of a crisis of faith, a deep questioning of, I should bother trying to date again, should I sell my home and multi-handful of crippling anxiety attacks.
So...
My best friend will be up today, there may or may not be a cheat day of pizza. (I have lost 10lbs and will continue to do so). I will work on long over due recordings for my friend in England (damn the background noise) and my lack of printer ink so the damn click of the keyboard gets recorded. I will walk the crazy luv mutt as long as the UV stays under 3 and it is not pouring and do my best to try to live again. And write.
And for the record. Sence8 stole a touch of my idea. I have been working the 15 pages I have for years and years. LOL. And mine is more of modest sets of 3.
Monday, December 15, 2014
The Story of an Unlucky Princess ...Part One
Once upon a time,
In a land over crowed and plagued with carriage accidents, illness and arrogance, there lived a sad princess. She was from a time that had too many princesses and not enough knights or good deeds to go around, so she put her faith in her courtiers/peers and her pets.
The pets proved to be the most loyal and true.
One day the princess was watching over her court, noticed them compromise everything they believed in so they could remain in Neverland. The princess could be amused by the games of Neverland, but she did not want to build an empire there, nor really even build an empire at all.
All she just wanted was to surround herself with people who lived by truth, kindness and the pursuit of a better inner self.
So one day the princess decided to go to her most loyal of knights with her accumulated treasure and the 2 souls closest to her. Her court was shocked, but only one voiced any concern and with very little fan fare she left the home she had always known.
As time goes by....
the Princess realizes that this new environment is not as healthy for her as she would have liked so leaving the knight at the post he had chosen, the princess sets off on a quest to find her place in this world.
At the foot of some mountains she found her oasis, her home.
It was a place renowned for healing. The princess had always had delicate health and the older the princess got the sicker she had become.
In this new home she looked in the mirror and all her self doubt, all the grief from losing her court, melted away with the spring thaw and she began to live again.
Very slowly at first. She wanted peers and sages in her life not followers.
She wanted to become better tenant of the land. So she worked as hard as her physical conditions would allow her to and started a quest for a partner in all.
The first one proved too selfish, the second one too immature, the third ...well lets call that one Satan in a Sunday hat and look away quickly, the fourth, no more then a temporary fix to a much grater loss...
But the princess had found a new meeting place where not only did she find kindness and respect, she found people she could learn so much from. Be inspired by and have her soul reach a new period of growth.
This meeting was just in time.
Of the 2 souls that had been on her journey with her one began to grow very ill. She suffered in silence most of the time and it took the princess a while to figure out something was really very wrong. All the healers said it is this, it is that, she does not have this, lets treat this with that, well she may have this but we did not find it. Finally a women of healing , looked until she found the problems and it became you have this time left and there is nothing anyone can do, accept end the pain when the time comes. This news was like an earthquake. How would the princess live with out her most loyal guardian? Her best friend, her everything.
Since the princess left the land of her birth, really those two souls and the desire to make them happy had guided most of the princess days. The princess had done everything she could to prevent this illness from ever happening...but it still happened and was savage.
At this same time number 3, decided to
put the Princess though some tests she could not pass, so she would fail and he could blame her for all his inner chaos. The princess saw through that game and yet still in tears walked away. Number 3, never tried to stop her... Nor was he there on her worst day... Number 4 was good then for a while, but something somewhere changed for number 4 and I think the princess new that was not a happily ever after situation in the first place and let it go.
The Princess looked to her wise man who taught by example rather then by words.
When the time came, and the light grew dim in her most loyal's eyes, she made the hard choice. The princess held her in her arms and felt her dear one's last heartbeat.
Something broke in the princess for a while.
Life was down to one soul. It was a tiny but mighty one... That soul keep her tied to this world along with all the support the princess had from the new community she belonged too.
Really there was a beauty in that support that is worth tears of joy.
One day when the King and Queen of the princess's line came up for a visit. A new soul to accompany the princess on her life journey had been detected.
When they all arrived at the sanctuary, the soul they had intended to see had not arrived yet
and the princess wondering around the sanctuary stopped at the feet of some of the new souls. One immediately hugged her and pledged himself even though he was a babe.
This soul touched her soul, and the princess began to feel something other then pain.
The King and Queen saw this and took action. Papers where filled out, donations made, and the princess left the sanctuary with her new baby guardian in her arms. They stared at each other in a very mutual pure love.
The new guardian to be, had known suffering in his short life. He had been gravely wounded and suffered disease. No scar, nor crooked nose or missing ear piece could lesson the princess's love for this new soul. In fact I think it made her love him even more.
It was now time for the princess to go back on her quest to find a partner....
In a land over crowed and plagued with carriage accidents, illness and arrogance, there lived a sad princess. She was from a time that had too many princesses and not enough knights or good deeds to go around, so she put her faith in her courtiers/peers and her pets.
The pets proved to be the most loyal and true.
One day the princess was watching over her court, noticed them compromise everything they believed in so they could remain in Neverland. The princess could be amused by the games of Neverland, but she did not want to build an empire there, nor really even build an empire at all.
All she just wanted was to surround herself with people who lived by truth, kindness and the pursuit of a better inner self.
So one day the princess decided to go to her most loyal of knights with her accumulated treasure and the 2 souls closest to her. Her court was shocked, but only one voiced any concern and with very little fan fare she left the home she had always known.
As time goes by....
the Princess realizes that this new environment is not as healthy for her as she would have liked so leaving the knight at the post he had chosen, the princess sets off on a quest to find her place in this world.
At the foot of some mountains she found her oasis, her home.
It was a place renowned for healing. The princess had always had delicate health and the older the princess got the sicker she had become.
In this new home she looked in the mirror and all her self doubt, all the grief from losing her court, melted away with the spring thaw and she began to live again.
Very slowly at first. She wanted peers and sages in her life not followers.
She wanted to become better tenant of the land. So she worked as hard as her physical conditions would allow her to and started a quest for a partner in all.
The first one proved too selfish, the second one too immature, the third ...well lets call that one Satan in a Sunday hat and look away quickly, the fourth, no more then a temporary fix to a much grater loss...
But the princess had found a new meeting place where not only did she find kindness and respect, she found people she could learn so much from. Be inspired by and have her soul reach a new period of growth.
This meeting was just in time.
Of the 2 souls that had been on her journey with her one began to grow very ill. She suffered in silence most of the time and it took the princess a while to figure out something was really very wrong. All the healers said it is this, it is that, she does not have this, lets treat this with that, well she may have this but we did not find it. Finally a women of healing , looked until she found the problems and it became you have this time left and there is nothing anyone can do, accept end the pain when the time comes. This news was like an earthquake. How would the princess live with out her most loyal guardian? Her best friend, her everything.
Since the princess left the land of her birth, really those two souls and the desire to make them happy had guided most of the princess days. The princess had done everything she could to prevent this illness from ever happening...but it still happened and was savage.
At this same time number 3, decided to
put the Princess though some tests she could not pass, so she would fail and he could blame her for all his inner chaos. The princess saw through that game and yet still in tears walked away. Number 3, never tried to stop her... Nor was he there on her worst day... Number 4 was good then for a while, but something somewhere changed for number 4 and I think the princess new that was not a happily ever after situation in the first place and let it go.
The Princess looked to her wise man who taught by example rather then by words.
When the time came, and the light grew dim in her most loyal's eyes, she made the hard choice. The princess held her in her arms and felt her dear one's last heartbeat.
Something broke in the princess for a while.
Life was down to one soul. It was a tiny but mighty one... That soul keep her tied to this world along with all the support the princess had from the new community she belonged too.
Really there was a beauty in that support that is worth tears of joy.
One day when the King and Queen of the princess's line came up for a visit. A new soul to accompany the princess on her life journey had been detected.
When they all arrived at the sanctuary, the soul they had intended to see had not arrived yet
and the princess wondering around the sanctuary stopped at the feet of some of the new souls. One immediately hugged her and pledged himself even though he was a babe.
This soul touched her soul, and the princess began to feel something other then pain.
The King and Queen saw this and took action. Papers where filled out, donations made, and the princess left the sanctuary with her new baby guardian in her arms. They stared at each other in a very mutual pure love.
The new guardian to be, had known suffering in his short life. He had been gravely wounded and suffered disease. No scar, nor crooked nose or missing ear piece could lesson the princess's love for this new soul. In fact I think it made her love him even more.
It was now time for the princess to go back on her quest to find a partner....
Monday, December 1, 2014
Moving at the Speed of Dog Part 2 or A New Chaper of Love.
On November 21, I went to Adirondack-Save-A-Stray. I had spotted puppies coming up from the South that where a good mix of breeds. So my parents and I set out and where there as soon as the shelter opened. The puppies we had come to see had not arrived yet so I went to look at some bulldog puppies they did have, just for fun. When I got to the back there was a baby Lab mix too, I bent down to say Hi, and this little fella put his arms around me and kissed me like I was his long lost mom. He chose me. *sonic boom* Love. Instant. I cried.
My mom said she felt like she just witnessed a miracle.
My father said he thought I was never going to smile again, the veil of grief just lifted from me and you could see the joy radiate.
Colin became Balin and was in my dads car an hour later snuggled on my lap with his head on my chest just staring at me. By the time we got home from the stores getting supplies and some toys, I think both mom and dad where in love too.
Balin has a terrible scar from the side of his mouth down his chest and notch out of his ear, also my little prince has very crooked nose, all of this was pointed out to me. My mom asked the women "Do you think any of that is a deterrent to her? You just sealed the deal".
I happen to think he is the most handsome little boy puppy around.
Later that night I was looking though all his paperwork and I found out he was from GA, & the town one of my good friends lives in. J.S. knows the people at the shelter.
So I got his background tale of woe.
He was found on the side of the road, covered with Mange and dead tissue. It is suspected he was hit by a car and or attacked by an animal. A Saint of a women took him to the vet and I beleive after that, she was his foster mom. They thought he would die of Mange or the infected wound. She saved him and he saved me.
It is a week and a few days later and all of us are sick. He brought with him Kennel Cough and gave it to Butter Cup. I have yet another ear infection. So Butter Cup and I will work hard at getting better and surviving his puppy hood with all of our parts intact. (what a chewer).
I think he could be a McNab Herding Dog and/or a Lab mix, he has a stripe of wavy hair straight down his back too the tip of his tail. White whiskers on one side black on the other.
Balin is brilliant. He is almost completely potty trained, he learned to play fetch in a few throws and he is trying to heard his little, Big Sister whenever they are outside. He is going to be a lot of work, but I think he will be worth it.
So my friends, if you need any herding done give me a call... or if you want an hour of puppy crack play time, I will pencil you in.
:-)
This blog has been brought to you by St. Francis, St.Jude and the Powers that Be.
My mom said she felt like she just witnessed a miracle.
My father said he thought I was never going to smile again, the veil of grief just lifted from me and you could see the joy radiate.
Colin became Balin and was in my dads car an hour later snuggled on my lap with his head on my chest just staring at me. By the time we got home from the stores getting supplies and some toys, I think both mom and dad where in love too.
Balin has a terrible scar from the side of his mouth down his chest and notch out of his ear, also my little prince has very crooked nose, all of this was pointed out to me. My mom asked the women "Do you think any of that is a deterrent to her? You just sealed the deal".
I happen to think he is the most handsome little boy puppy around.
Later that night I was looking though all his paperwork and I found out he was from GA, & the town one of my good friends lives in. J.S. knows the people at the shelter.
So I got his background tale of woe.
He was found on the side of the road, covered with Mange and dead tissue. It is suspected he was hit by a car and or attacked by an animal. A Saint of a women took him to the vet and I beleive after that, she was his foster mom. They thought he would die of Mange or the infected wound. She saved him and he saved me.
It is a week and a few days later and all of us are sick. He brought with him Kennel Cough and gave it to Butter Cup. I have yet another ear infection. So Butter Cup and I will work hard at getting better and surviving his puppy hood with all of our parts intact. (what a chewer).
I think he could be a McNab Herding Dog and/or a Lab mix, he has a stripe of wavy hair straight down his back too the tip of his tail. White whiskers on one side black on the other.
Balin is brilliant. He is almost completely potty trained, he learned to play fetch in a few throws and he is trying to heard his little, Big Sister whenever they are outside. He is going to be a lot of work, but I think he will be worth it.
So my friends, if you need any herding done give me a call... or if you want an hour of puppy crack play time, I will pencil you in.
:-)
This blog has been brought to you by St. Francis, St.Jude and the Powers that Be.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
I have loved you more then the flowers have loved the sun.
November 8th, 2014
My Bella has been gone since October 17.
It is real now,
Not only soft tears that just leak out but the deep guttural wrenching sobs that make you wonder if you have hemorrhaged and are crying blood.
Picking up her ashes was the most violent pain, it had me dry heaving outside of the doctors office. There could be no more denial that what was left of my great love was now in my hands.
Infinity did a nice job. Her paw print fits nicely between my praying hands. Her cremains in a tin with flowers and a dragonfly sits on its own black heart pillow on my bed.
(I am aware that freaks some people out. I dont care, I miss her and night is the worst).
Infinity also filled the black heart pendant I was given with some of Bella's cremains.
That I dont think I could have done on my own.
I have worn the heart every day. She is closer to me then. I hold on to it as I am trying to keep my shit together in public.
Not to many people get to spend the time with there pets as I do. For Bella's life I have been home with her. In 8 years I don't think we have been separated more then 14 days. So her physical presence not being there is profound. At the end of the day I chose her over my old life and never regretted that choice.
When I do my chores around the house I go to sing the silly little songs I have made up for the dogs and when I get to the 2 is Better then 1 song... well there is only one.
Butter Cup is trying to keep tied to this world. She is mighty beyond her size but she is not my Bella McSmoochie. She can not keep me "safe" as much as she would try. She is not as good with the nightmares or anxiety. She does come running though when those awful sobbing fits come on. I tell her because I am so upset about Bella it does not mean I love her any less. I can see people sneer that they dont understand what we are saying. Well maybe they dont understand you, but I am the freaking dog whisper and they understand almost every damn word I say. Any one who has spent time with my pack and I would swear to it.
I have tried to start looking for another dog, it has not gone well. I had some hope for a Bull Mastiff I met while I was actually crying about Bella and it seemed like whole Divine Intervention thing, but it was not. So then I decided to try a positive spin on that experience and start looking at other rescues, so far no real luck and honestly I dont even really have the adoption fee in the bank. I am just trying to get a handle on this pain I am in before it blows me back into that black hole I spent most of my life fighting to get out of.
A dog that needed me, needed my healing , my brand of devotion, that would save me.
I have had incredible support, my friends from church, my friends and my parents have been amazing. Everyday there is a card,email or phone call asking "if there is anything they can do". I am so grateful, but really what can anyone do?
So I will go make my 5th attempt to watch a movie and hold on to Butter Cup and try to pretend that a huge part of me did not wish I just lied down and died with Bella. That somehow there will be another dog, who will become my best friend, my baby,my protector and the subject of my silly little songs.
My Bella has been gone since October 17.
It is real now,
Not only soft tears that just leak out but the deep guttural wrenching sobs that make you wonder if you have hemorrhaged and are crying blood.
Picking up her ashes was the most violent pain, it had me dry heaving outside of the doctors office. There could be no more denial that what was left of my great love was now in my hands.
Infinity did a nice job. Her paw print fits nicely between my praying hands. Her cremains in a tin with flowers and a dragonfly sits on its own black heart pillow on my bed.
(I am aware that freaks some people out. I dont care, I miss her and night is the worst).
Infinity also filled the black heart pendant I was given with some of Bella's cremains.
That I dont think I could have done on my own.
I have worn the heart every day. She is closer to me then. I hold on to it as I am trying to keep my shit together in public.
Not to many people get to spend the time with there pets as I do. For Bella's life I have been home with her. In 8 years I don't think we have been separated more then 14 days. So her physical presence not being there is profound. At the end of the day I chose her over my old life and never regretted that choice.
When I do my chores around the house I go to sing the silly little songs I have made up for the dogs and when I get to the 2 is Better then 1 song... well there is only one.
Butter Cup is trying to keep tied to this world. She is mighty beyond her size but she is not my Bella McSmoochie. She can not keep me "safe" as much as she would try. She is not as good with the nightmares or anxiety. She does come running though when those awful sobbing fits come on. I tell her because I am so upset about Bella it does not mean I love her any less. I can see people sneer that they dont understand what we are saying. Well maybe they dont understand you, but I am the freaking dog whisper and they understand almost every damn word I say. Any one who has spent time with my pack and I would swear to it.
I have tried to start looking for another dog, it has not gone well. I had some hope for a Bull Mastiff I met while I was actually crying about Bella and it seemed like whole Divine Intervention thing, but it was not. So then I decided to try a positive spin on that experience and start looking at other rescues, so far no real luck and honestly I dont even really have the adoption fee in the bank. I am just trying to get a handle on this pain I am in before it blows me back into that black hole I spent most of my life fighting to get out of.
A dog that needed me, needed my healing , my brand of devotion, that would save me.
I have had incredible support, my friends from church, my friends and my parents have been amazing. Everyday there is a card,email or phone call asking "if there is anything they can do". I am so grateful, but really what can anyone do?
So I will go make my 5th attempt to watch a movie and hold on to Butter Cup and try to pretend that a huge part of me did not wish I just lied down and died with Bella. That somehow there will be another dog, who will become my best friend, my baby,my protector and the subject of my silly little songs.
Old Ghost Chewing On My Fringes
September 25, 2014
It was a month last night.
Bella's cancer is ever pressing on my soul.
And of all the things to be haunting me, I wonder how could you not miss me?
I gave you all my best.
For the first time I was looking forward to Christmas.
I wanted to decorate your apartment and my own home, make you a million things, glittering snow flakes and orange & clove pomanders, butter cookies.
I wanted you to feel very special. I tried so hard to make you feel special.
But now all that is a head of me is Bella's slow death. A fate I am currently engaged in battle with. A world frozen over. A heart that is screaming out in its demise.
I wish I could just sleep.
It was a month last night.
Bella's cancer is ever pressing on my soul.
And of all the things to be haunting me, I wonder how could you not miss me?
I gave you all my best.
For the first time I was looking forward to Christmas.
I wanted to decorate your apartment and my own home, make you a million things, glittering snow flakes and orange & clove pomanders, butter cookies.
I wanted you to feel very special. I tried so hard to make you feel special.
But now all that is a head of me is Bella's slow death. A fate I am currently engaged in battle with. A world frozen over. A heart that is screaming out in its demise.
I wish I could just sleep.
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